9.7 After the Match

Finding and securing a mate is only part of the challenge. Once we enter a relationship, the most difficult trial begins – retaining that mate and maintaining the bond.

Mate Retention and Mate Guarding

Mate retention and mate guarding are intertwined in human mating strategies. As an investment, mate retention secures the interest of a new mate, reminding them of one’s value as a continued relationship. This comes in many forms like continuing to go on dates, making breakfast in bed, or doing something special on holidays and anniversaries.

Mate guarding, alternatively, may be seen as the darker side of mate retention. Mate guarding is actually quite common in sexually reproducing species. Here, an effort to block others from attempting to attract one’s mate leads to protective and sometimes aggressive behaviors. Jealousy is the human emotion most tightly related to mate guarding. If one perceives a potential competitor making efforts to woo their partner, they may begin to engage in activities to stave off the competitor’s overture. Unfortunately, when mate guarding cannot be directed at the competitor, it can be redirected toward the very mate one is attempting to retain.

Maintenance of Bond

One of the best forms of mate retention is continued investment in the relationship itself. This may come in the form of mutual support to achieve individual goals, creating joint goals toward which to work, or scheduling time to “check-in” with each other. Honest communication and efforts to listen and validate the other are stated by many relationship books and websites as the best way to keep a relationship healthy. While we think of these things as ontogenetic, they derive from the very adaptive behavior of mate retention.

Stages of Relationships

Research suggests there are key stages in a relationship. The first is infatuation. At this stage, potential partners are still assessing the long-term potential of a new romantic interest. Assuming things work out through this stage, the relationship will likely move to a state of exclusivity. Here, romantic love takes over. Marked by constantly thinking of the other, feelings of loneliness when not together, and a nearly unconditional defense of the other’s behavior, romantic love looks much like drug addiction in the brain – in fact, Helen Fisher, an expert in human mating, suggests we are literally addicted to our partners early in a relationship.

Over time, every relationship settles into a rhythm. The bond is being maintained, trust is built and seemingly unbreakable, and live continues. After 2-3 years, most relationships settle into a companionship bond. This is not to say sexual activity ceases or attraction wanes. Rather, a significantly more intimate transparency with each other becomes the norm of day-to-day life.